When Life is Obscenely Crazy, Get a Puppy!

If you are suffering from an acute lack of free time, an extreme level of child-induced fatigue and an insanely hectic schedule, there is no better time than now to get a puppy!

Puppies are low maintenance pets.  Their needs are simple and not at all the same as a human newborn and toddler combined.

Your responsibilities will be simple and easily done by one parent juggling three other small (non-fur) children:

  • Puppies need a healthy diet.  Fed them three times a day, a meal consisting of farm-raised meat combined with freshly pureed organic vegetables and a garnish such as a leaf of sage.  You must keep in mind that all dog food sold commercially and reasonably priced is the equivalent of feeding your dog pure bleach.  Foods that do not take hours to prepare will slowly alter your dog’s quality of life and it will be all your fault.
  • Puppies need to explore  – mostly with their mouths.  Keep a very close eye on them every second of the day so they do not eat your house or anything dangerous or chokable.   A forgotten smidgen of a raisin your human babies like to leave trails of all over the floor, can equal certain and instant death.
  • Puppies need regular stimulation.  You must play with them 15 minutes, three times per day, at minimum, to ensure proper development.  Games like peek-a-boo and hide and seek are essential to unlock the puppy brain and create a lasting bond between you and your pet – one that definitely does not come naturally from dogs being bred to be loyal human companions for 33,000 years.
  • Puppies need socialization.  Be sure to arrange daily playdates with other puppies to encourage sharing and positive social interaction.  Aggressive puppies that bite and hit other puppies are the direct result of parents that did not socialize them properly.  Expect to be shamed by other puppy owners behind your back over a playdate you and your puppy were not invited to.
  • Puppies need grooming.   Regularly bathe them, trim their nails, brush their teeth/hair and clean their ears – no one likes a smelly puppy!  Never use a Q-Tip to clean their ears or you will destroy their brain.
  • Puppies need to be potty trained.  You will need to let them outside to pee every 5 minutes throughout the day – and through the night too.  You won’t sleep for months, but it will be worth it when they only poop on your carpet once a week instead of every couple of hours.
  • Puppies need security.  Dogs are pack animals and need the comfort of their human mom and dad.  Go to them for a nice cuddle through the night when they cry.  Never let them “cry it out” or you will have a pup with severe mental and separation issues that trace back to the one time you tried to sleep through their whingeing.
  • Puppies need love.  Puppies require a good hug and belly rub now and again.  Make sure that you do all the shitty jobs for the puppy all day and the second she/he settles in for a nice cuddle, have your children swoop in to take the puppy away for the rewarding snuggle time.

Other important “bonuses” of puppy ownership to keep in mind are:

  • Immunity building:  The next time your pup comes at you with bird shit all over their nose and a dead rabbit in their mouth, remember that it is all an important part of building your microbiome.  Nothing beats real nature in all of its filthy glory.
  • Reducing anxiety:  Remember when you worried about the imminent destruction of democracy in the United States?  Never again.  With a puppy, you will be so busy you won’t even remember to eat, let alone fret about the future of of your country and planet.
  • Free piercing:  Puppies may penetrate your skin with their shark-like puppy teeth, but they also penetrate your heart.  What’s a few minor puncture wounds between friends?

Yes, everyone says, “puppies are hard work.”  But you are a kick ass super woman who has raised moderately well-functioning children, you can handle anything!  Go ahead, get that puppy, and in about 5 years, it will finally feel like the best decision you ever made.

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