Chair: Thank you all for attending this meeting on such short notice. I have called you all here at this ungodly morning hour as it has come to my attention that Wyatt, Sally Fillmore’s son, has been up all night vomiting with what is undoubtedly the Norovirus. As Sally was responsible for baking all of the cupcakes you see in front of me, I can now say that the Winter FUNderland Bake Sale is effectively ruined. We all know that Wyatt is a spit-talker and, by the looks of him, a lover of frosting. So, without a doubt, each one of these cupcakes is swimming in his infected saliva and needs to be isolated and destroyed before any of our children get near them.
This bake sale is our highest grossing fundraiser of the year. And Sally’s cupcake are key to its success. I, personally, would love to spend my day baking cupcakes. How fun does that sound!?! Unfortunately, my company, Mommy Bee’s Organic Bow Boutique, which I solely own and operate, is approaching our busiest time of the year. Just last night, in fact, I had a rush order come in for “Happiness in Hazel” pure hemp hair bows for the entire girls’ high school Ultimate Frisbee team. 10 down, 7 more to go!
So, I am here to beg and plead and offer one free Mommy Bee’s Organic Bow to anyone who volunteers to save our school by baking and frosting the needed 1,000 cakes. Anyone?
Vice-Chair: I can do it.
Chair: That would be a “no,” Jennifer. Anyone else?
Vice-Chair: Really, I am happy to help. I have some time this afternoon and a double oven in my kitchen.
Chair: Do you seriously think I would trust you again with this task of monumental importance? If you recall, which we all do, you spectacularly lost the local Cake-Off competition to that PTA Chair-bitch at Hollywell Elementary School. I still get looks from her half-wit children every soccer game. They talk trash to my kids, as if knowing the proper ratios of flour to liquid in a cake sponge is going to help them to kick the fucking ball. Losers…. Ok, I digress. We need a reliable volunteer please?
Vice-Chair: As I have told you several times, Hollywell replaced my baking powder with baby powder! Please don’t worry, the cupcakes will be amazing. After all, I am a trained cook and a recipe developer for the Clevensville Gazette.
Chair: That’s a stupid publication, no one reads it.
Vice Chair: Actually, it’s readership saturation is about 95% of the entire town.
Chair: For fuck’s sake Jennifer, do you ever shut your mouth? Look everyone. I’m really not asking a lot here, just a couple hours of your time for this important school project. I know that there are a lot of moms here that don’t work and only have three children. Surely you have plenty of time to give to our school?
Jess, Tanner and Garren’s Mom: Ok, I only have three kids, I guess that means that I am up. I’ll do it.
Chair: Honestly?!? I can’t believe that I am needing to remind you that you are in charge of tonight’s football carpool. Are you planning on baking in between taking 15 of our key football players into the city for their 26 match tournament tonight? Ridiculous…. Next?
Lydia and Tyler’s Mom: I’m happy to help.
Chair: Yes! Thank you! Three cheers to Lydia and Tyler’s mom for volunteering. But if we could have someone that could find their way out of a cardboard box, that would be great. You are a wonderful person, but as dumb as a rock I’m afraid.
Toby’s Mom: I have to head to work after this meeting, so if ending this meeting quickly means volunteering, then I’ll do it tonight. Who needs sleep anyway, am I right?!? (Secretary’s note: Toby’s mom chuckled nervously following the above statement)
Chair: Actually, you do need your sleep. You should do us all a favor, Toby’s mom, and go home, get some sleep, and come back to us tomorrow when you are rested enough to recognize what an appalling job you have done on your eyeliner application. I’ll ask again, any volunteers?
Katalina, Latisha, Yunishka and George’s Mom: Me, I’ll do it.
Chair: No offense, but I have seen your daughter’s art project for this term. That thing looked more like a block of swiss cheese than the Eiffel Tower. If her artistic ability is any reflection on you, we can’t take any chances that you can pull off the marzipan replicas of the school for each cupcake top. Anyone else?
Jenna, Erik, Ken and (Secretary’s note: there are 4 more children, but I don’t know their names) Mom: Ok, I can do it just this once. Jack is now 15 (Secretary’s note: Crap! There is another one. Let the record reflect that the above statement came from Jenna, Erik, Ken and 5 more children’s Mom)
Chair: No. Next!
Jenna, Erik, Ken and 5 other kids’ Mom: Why not?
Chair: I trust you, but Jack babysat for us once and I learned that he gave my Willas a piece of chocolate after 4pm. We came home from a lovely dinner to a 3 year old on sugar crack. No offense, but that Jack is a loose cannon. Any others willing to volunteer?
Ruth, Simon, Fin and Matty’s Mom: I’m the last one left. So why not, I’ll give it a try.
Chair: Another no.
Ruth, Simon, Fin and Matty’s Mom: Why not?
Chair: Three out of the four of your children have the flu and snot streaming out of their noses like a faucet turned on high. We might as well just feed our kids these bacteria cesspools that Sally made. Ridiculous. Anyone else?
Secretary: No. That’s the entire committee.
Chair: Great. So no one is willing to volunteer?!?! Fine, I will do it myself. Just lIke I do everything myself for this stupid school. Worthless PTA committee, why do I even bother with you? You all are a total waste of the air you breathe. So, I’ll see you all tomorrow at the fundraiser, right? I’m so excited! Meeting adjourned.