America, it is with great pleasure that we present to you a heavily redacted version of the epic series formerly known as Planet Earth 2. Although we at the BBC take great pride in our work to educate viewers on important issues like the rapid deterioration of our planet, we also want a good profit margin. So, in the interest of pleasing both eco-warrior and Republican audiences alike, we have edited the series to exclude any allusion to climate change. Instead, we have doubled down on the animal-on-animal violence, b-list insects and comical avian courtships. We assure you that Animals and Other Non-Controversial Things Found in Nature 2 is undoubtedly worth the 0.2% of your Apple TV storage capacity.
As you may recall from watching season 1 of Animals and Other Non-Controversial Things Found in Nature, mother earth can be a mean bitch, red in tooth and claw. Remember the episode where your childhood assumptions of animal harmony were shattered by HD videography of a pack of wolves chasing down and dining on a baby caribou? Imagine more of this savagery, but in 500x times magnification (thank you, camera drones!) and with absolutely no mention of them turning into giant fireballs in about 100 years.
If abundant stunningly beautiful animal carnage isn’t your cup of tea, we promise enough footage of lovable vermin to entice even our most arachnophobic viewers into a career in entomology. We salute nature’s hardest working pests by featuring their daily lives but, this time, without regard to their inevitable extinction. Further, to ensure your viewing experience is splendidly guilt-free, nature’s own grandfather, Sir David Attenborough, will treat you to a lovingly altered tale about the imminent destruction of the world, not by humans, but by a killer plague of vegetarian locus! This highly anticipated apocalyptic footage is sure to be better fuel your next dystopian fiction novel than the actions of your current administration.
To keep things light hearted, sprinkled throughout Animals and Other Non-Controversial Things Found in Nature 2 is an abundance nature’s finest comedic act, birds. From elaborate mating rituals to striking out with the ladies, these avian jesters provide much needed comic relief from our stressful daily lives. Take, for example, the beautiful pink flamingo. In order to attract a female, he must display both strength and stamina in the ultimate manly sport, ballet dancing. Their charming and hysterical antics are sure to keep you laughing through the long silences that resulted from the removal of references to deforestation and catastrophic droughts.
We understand that for most of you 2016 wasn’t a great year and 2017 doesn’t look to be much brighter. But let’s pause to remember those who are suffering the most in this fragile political environment, your Twitter and Facebook feeds. This past year has seen dramatic levels of “unfollowing” and “blocking” due to pesky little things like indisputable facts or a fear of responsibility. It is our hope that the carefully edited version of Animals and Other Non-Controversial Things Found in Nature 2 will incite a rebirth of the benign posts you crave of things like babies, food and of course, cute animals. The lazy sloth (#LikeaSloth), the sassy lizard (#TeamSassyScales) or the plight of the glass frog babies (#WaspsSuck) are just three of the many animals featured throughout the series that would look great as a meme. You’re welcome America.
With that, we look forward to you joining us on February 18th for the Animals and Other Non-Controversial Things Found in Nature 2 BBC America premiere. That is unless, of course, you already illegally streamed the whole thing. In that case, you are an asshole and we ask that you buy the series DVD set for your grandmother’s birthday.
*Our sincerest apologies, but this series does not feature Benedict Cumberbatch.